Young people show you how they feel through their behaviour. 

When a young person is upset, they need to feel that you have connected first emotionally, right-brain to right-brain before they can engage the thoughtful, articulate, problem solving part of their brain.  Once a young person feels that you have connected with their level of emotion, they may feel more able to stop showing you.  Then, once the young person feels more in control and receptive, you can bring in the left-brain lessons.

PACE-informed scripts can help illustrate for you example of conversations with young people to help them connect with their feelings, thoughts and intentions. 

PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy.

Acceptance and empathy are like your Emotional First Aid. They are at the heart of the young person starting to feel safe at school, which reduces conflict, stress and withdrawal. 

P is for Playfulness 

Playfulness is enjoying being together in an unconditional way. This gives the message that the relationship is stronger than things that go wrong. Playfulness helps to reduce the shame a young person might feel when something has gone wrong; difficult messages or serious conversations can be easier to have if the tone is light. It does not mean you do not take the emotions or the incident seriously but it is helpful to maintain a playful tone if you need to deliver a short reminder about behaviour. Using a playful and light-hearted tone, as if you were telling a story, and showing curiosity, reflects that you are interested in them and their feelings and also that you are a safe and regulating adult. 

A if for Acceptance 

Unconditional acceptance is fundamental to a young person’s sense of safety because it shows that you have connected with their feelings without judgement, and without seeking to reassure their feelings away. 

This means you and the young person sitting with some strong emotions, together. This is painful and uncomfortable, but also very powerful. If a young person expresses distressing emotions about themselves or others e.g. “nobody loves me”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m bad”, “you hate me” it is hard not to challenge them as being wrong, but it is really important to accept those feelings and acknowledge them using curiosity and empathy. 

Accepting the young person or their feelings and emotions does not mean accepting unwanted behaviour and it does not mean agreeing with the their viewpoint, but for true acceptance to take place, it is important that they know you can see them beyond their behaviour. When a young person feels challenged, on a daily basis, this can feel hard to do. 

Try to build in times with colleagues in which you can reflect on the young person beyond their behaviour as well as expressing your own feelings about the challenges. 

C is for Curiosity 

It’s important to be curious about the young person’s thoughts, feelings, wishes and intentions: they may still be learning that other people can think about them in this way or that they can be held in mind by an adult without judgement and accusation at all. Curiosity is also important for discipline to be effective: connect with the emotion before you engage in discussion. Showing the young person that you are interested in what is going on for them and willing to do something about it is a very powerful experience. Don’t feel afraid to share your curiosity with the young person by wondering, not telling them. Try to avoid asking “Why?”. Instead you might ask: 

“Is it ok if I share my idea of what is going on for you? I might be wrong but these are my ideas.” 

or 

“What do you think was going on?”, “What do you think that was about?” or “I wonder what…?” 

Try to be curious in a quiet, accepting tone that conveys a simple desire to understand them this is not the same as agreeing with their perception of the event, but shows your interest in understanding it and accepting the feelings that were involved.

E is for Empathy 

When you show empathy you are showing the young person that their feelings are important to you, and that you are alongside them in their difficulty. You are showing that you can cope with the hard times with them and you are trying hard to understand how it feels. Understanding and expressing your own feelings about theirvexperience can often be more effective than reassurance. For example, if a young person says “You don’t care”, you can respond by saying “That must be really hard for you. I feel sad that you experience me as not caring”.